I don’t know if you know this about me, but sometimes I have anxiety attacks. I can be having a normal day when waves of worry start to wash over me. They make my skin feel flushed, my heart pound and my mind start to run in circles, recounting all of the ways I’ve failed in life. Over and over again I replay mistakes and imagine how they can spiral forward into the future, growing ever-worse and reaching ever-farther out into the World.
Other times, I might feel an overwhelming sense of guilt… thinking about how I’ve let down so many people…all of the way from my ancestors – how ashamed would they be? To my parents – I was blessed with such good parents, why am I not a better daughter? To my children – oh how I love them, why have I not been a better mother? To my husband – he never fails to love and support me, why do I put so much on his shoulders? On and on it goes….my dog, my friends, people from work, people I pass on the street…
The guilt can truly be endless. I am very creative in my guilt. There is no seven-degrees of separation here, you wouldn’t believe how powerful I am in my mind. If you’re having a bad day, it’s probably – no, it is definitely - MY fault! I know that all sounds silly and quite egotistical, but it is so hard for me to stop. Have you ever felt this way?
I had an anxiety attack yesterday evening. I started off being worried about finances, then I was worried about my family’s health, then before I knew it, I was picturing my entire family wasting away in a Dickensian poorhouse. It was horrible and I was about to hyperventilate. Thankfully, I shared my thoughts with my husband and a friend who was visiting at the time. They immediately started to help me calm down. After a few minutes, I texted a sister for good measure. (Sisters are always good at times like these!) Slowly but surely, I started to calm down and breathe easier. It was a slow journey back to my version of normal, but thanks to a little help, I made it.
I am sharing this here, not for pity but in hopes that it will help people understand. We all go through hard times. If you have felt this way, please reach out to someone, let them help you back to your normal. If you notice someone going through a hard time, please reach out, let them know you’re there and help them work back to their normal. We’re all in this together and with one another’s help, I believe we can make it through.
Wishing you a life full of music, laughter, and love - Dana.