Could it really be this simple?

In church the other day, I felt like something really clicked in my brain.  I want to see if I can share it in a way that makes sense.  The pastor asked, “Why were you created?”  The answer from the congregation was to share in fellowship with God.  The rest of the sermon went on to talk about what it means to be a Christian, a disciple, and how important it is to follow our callings.  Now, many years ago, at a writing workshop with my friends, Colleen Crosson & Mark Sloniker, I realized that my calling was to share my love with the world.  Okay, stick with me here.  From the Bible, we know that God is Love, so:

I was created to share in fellowship with God.

My calling = Sharing my love with the world.

God = Love

Therefore, my calling = Sharing my God with the world

So, I was created to share in fellowship with God.  My calling is to share God/Love with the World. 

Can it really be that simple? Is this everyone’s calling?

I have a talent for crying.

I have a talent for crying.  This is not something I ever wanted, but I definitely have it.  I can cry any time, night or day.  Any place…from the grocery store to church, from a ballgame to yoga, while watching the news and while watching what is supposed to be a comedy…I cry.  I have mastered the silent cry…where tears run down my cheeks without so much as a sniffle.  I’m an expert at the wailing cry, when it sounds like (and feels like) it is the end of the world.  There’s the muffled cry, where I scream and cry into a pillow to try and hide the pain that is bursting out of me.  There are many more types…the hyperventilating cry, the shower cry, the nonsense cry…I have labels for them all.  I have come to notice that the most common for me, my almost constant companion, is the tearfree cry.  I don’t know if everyone knows about this one or not…it’s the one way deep in my core that is so scared and confused in a strange combination of a scream, and a chant, it says, “something is wrong, something is missing, something is so, so very wrong…help, help, what can we do?”  I am the only one who hears them though, so no answer ever comes…all I can do is agree…something is very wrong and I don’t know what to do. 

Do you ever...

Do you ever feel fragile?  Like at any minute, you could break apart into a million pieces? 

Do you ever wonder what in the world you’re doing here?  Or wonder if you’re doing everything all wrong? 

Do you ever feel sad but don’t know why? 

I do. 

If you do, please remember:

You aren’t alone.  You are stronger than you think you are.

You are here for a reason.  You have a purpose that no one else can fulfill.

The sadness will pass.  You will be happy again.

I know these things to be true.  They get me through.  I hope you know them too. 

You are special, you are needed, you are loved.

When you forget, please reach out, and ask for help.

And as always, let those you love know you love them.  They just might be in need of a reminder too.

Wishing you a life full of music, laughter, and love - Dana

Reach Out

I don’t know if you know this about me, but sometimes I have anxiety attacks.  I can be having a normal day when waves of worry start to wash over me.  They make my skin feel flushed, my heart pound and my mind start to run in circles, recounting all of the ways I’ve failed in life.  Over and over again I replay mistakes and imagine how they can spiral forward into the future, growing ever-worse and reaching ever-farther out into the World. 

Other times, I might feel an overwhelming sense of guilt… thinking about how I’ve let down so many people…all of the way from my ancestors – how ashamed would they be? To my parents – I was blessed with such good parents, why am I not a better daughter? To my children – oh how I love them, why have I not been a better mother? To my husband – he never fails to love and support me, why do I put so much on his shoulders? On and on it goes….my dog, my friends, people from work, people I pass on the street…

The guilt can truly be endless.  I am very creative in my guilt.  There is no seven-degrees of separation here, you wouldn’t believe how powerful I am in my mind.  If you’re having a bad day, it’s probably – no, it is definitely - MY fault!  I know that all sounds silly and quite egotistical, but it is so hard for me to stop.  Have you ever felt this way? 

I had an anxiety attack yesterday evening.  I started off being worried about finances, then I was worried about my family’s health, then before I knew it, I was picturing my entire family wasting away in a Dickensian poorhouse.  It was horrible and I was about to hyperventilate.  Thankfully, I shared my thoughts with my husband and a friend who was visiting at the time.  They immediately started to help me calm down.  After a few minutes, I texted a sister for good measure.  (Sisters are always good at times like these!)  Slowly but surely, I started to calm down and breathe easier.  It was a slow journey back to my version of normal, but thanks to a little help, I made it.

I am sharing this here, not for pity but in hopes that it will help people understand.  We all go through hard times.  If you have felt this way, please reach out to someone, let them help you back to your normal.  If you notice someone going through a hard time, please reach out, let them know you’re there and help them work back to their normal.  We’re all in this together and with one another’s help, I believe we can make it through. 

Wishing you a life full of music, laughter, and love - Dana.

This I know...

“A life that touches the hearts of others lives on forever.

In Gratitude and Appreciation for Cross Justice Goodwin.”

-the inscription on my son’s memorial bench.

                 During the months after my son passed, I spent a lot of time trying to think of what to put on his memorial bench.  I felt it was extremely important and I felt I had to get it “right”.  I believe I finally got it.  The inscription alludes to how many lives Cross touched as well as to how he will always live on through us.  The message also gives us hope that we can touch the hearts and lives of others to make a difference in this world.

                I have spent many difficult days and nights over the past year and a half trying to find my way; trying to find purpose and reason in a world that was flipped on its side.  This week, when we were sitting at the park with Cross, it hit me – I had already figured it out.  The purpose that makes the most sense to me is that we are here to touch the hearts of others.  We are here to share our love and be here for one another.  Now, this isn’t groundbreaking, I probably would have said something similar years ago.  The difference to me now is that when I was struck down to the ground - when I found myself at a place where I was scrambling to make sense of my son’s short life and what remained of it, I discovered the only thing that mattered to me was the love.  No question remains, I know this, without a shadow of a doubt. 

                My message to the World remains the same.  Please let your loved ones know they are important to you, reach out to people, let them know you are thinking of them, let them know that they bring a smile to your face, forgive petty grievances, share the love you have with this world.  It needs it.  It needs you.